Good Times at the ‘Jersey Shore’

8 of the least self aware people on the planet

Many of you may have witnessed what will prove to be a seminal moment in reality television last week when MTV rolled out its newest “reality” show and brought eight of the world’s least self aware people together for a summer in a house on the Jersey Shore.  MTV has long cashed in on the “reality” genre and continues to up the ante as we move into the 21st century.  The first show that put the MTV reality scene on the map was “The Real World.”  The Real World’s initial premise was to bring 7 strangers together into a house to create a melting pot of different people, cultures, beliefs, sexual orientations and ethnicities and roll the cameras on what would ensue.  The long slow decline from MTV using its power and reach to try and send a cultural message to just casting the most ignorant, selfish and short tempered housemates has now led us to the Jersey Shore.  This is a show in which MTV is literally saying to the viewer: “Look, we know these people are ridiculous, but hey…they make great television and frankly if we were to tell you that we were going to put 8 of the biggest idiots in America together for an entire summer and film them there’s no way you wouldn’t at least check it out.”  Touche MTV, and you got me.

I want to clarify that I am only watching this show to see the levels of idiocy, arrogance and ignorance to which these people are willing to sink and the debut did not disappoint.  In case you haven’t hopped on board I have decided to present you with quotes from the 2 hour premiere in chronological order.  The following is not made up–these are actual things uttered by Angelina, Jenni aka “J-WOWW”, Mike aka “The Situation”, Nicole aka “Snooki”, DJ Pauly D, Ronnie, Sammi “Sweetheart,” and Vinny.  You couldn’t possibly make this stuff up.

*Author’s note: ESPN Superpower Bill Simmons breaks down many of these gems in his Monday podcast*

DJ Pauly D: “Guidos..when we stop, our chrome keeps spinning”

DJ Pauly D: “I was born a guido…its a lifestyle: family, friends, tanning, gel…everything.  I got a f*ckin tanning bed in my place, that’s how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle”

DJ Pauly D: “It takes me about 25 minutes to do my hair…it comes out perfect every single time”

Nicole (Snooki): “My ultimate dream is to move to Jersey, find a nice, juiced, hot, tan guy and live my life”

Mike (The Situation): Lifting up his shirt “This is the situation right here, my abs are so ripped up…its called the situation”

Quick note: my friend Mark points out about The Situation: “One kid (the Situation) refers to himself both in the third person by his real name and in the third person by a nickname.  Dare I say MTV found Rickey [Henderson’s] only rival?” Even Rickey wasn’t this vain; I wonder if he ever swung through Seaside, NJ in his stint with the Newark Bears though.

The Situation: “I check out the mirror and go “whhhooo…today is going to be a good day”

The Situation: “You can hate on me all you want to but what can you possibly say to someone who looks like Rambo with his shirt off”

The Situation: “If I walked in the door and saw myself…I’d probably grab my girl real quick”

Sammie Sweetheart: “I would never go out without my hair extensions”

Vinny: “I went to school, graduated college, and that doesn’t shy away from saying I don’t have fun at night you know what I mean?  I party and fist pump like the best of them”

Jenni (J-WOWW): “If you don’t know me, then you hate me and wish you were me”

J-WOWW: “I have so many girls that hate on me because whatever they are they can’t compare to me”

Ronnie: “The whole thing about this is getting laid, you just take your shirt off and they come to you”

Ronnie: “I got three words: Beers, P—-, and beach, that’s all you need to know about the Jersey Shore”

Angelina: “Look at this sh*t, I mean come on…I’m hot”

Just so you all know, these quotes which could literally fill up an entire season’s nonsense quota happened within the first 7 minutes of this show while we were being introduced to these 8 Rhodes Scholars.  Now back to the fun.

The Situation: “Cause once I arrive its just like wassup I’m here and everybody’s gonna be like “Oh Shoot that’s the Situation right there!” Yes sir it is”

DJ Pauly D: “I walk in, meet the first guy (the Situation) and right off the bat we click…we decide that we’re gonna bunk together and then what we’re thinkin’…we can bunk with a chick, that’d be kinda cool”

Ronnie: Looking around the house “Honestly bro it doesn’t get any better then this unless we had a stripper pole right in the middle of the room”

After the roommates exchange pleasantries and begin drinking their landlord/boss walks in an explains that they’ll be working in a Jersey Shore tshirt store.  To which DJ Pauly D reacts: “I hope its not hard work because I don’t even wanna work because I’m a f*ckin’ DJ”

Snooki: Incoherent drunken babbling

Angelina (in response to Snooki’s hopping in the hot tub in her skivvies): “How do you go in a f*ckin jacuzzi with a thong and a bra?  Wear a thong bikini that’s a little bit more classier if your gonna wear anything at all…you know what I mean?”

DJ Pauly D in response to finding out J-WOWW has a boyfriend: “Are you kidding me, you’ve got hot guys in this house…I’ll help you forget about your boyfriend”

After blacking out, stripping down to her underwear and jumping into the hot tub and yakking her brains out before showing up late to work, Snooki: “I’m honestly like the sweetest girl, I get along with everybody, you know…I just want to have fun”

The Situation: “I mean this situation’s gonna be indescribable…you can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation”

Angelina: “Maybe bring some respectable girls with class into this house, not trash!” (…the irony scale just exploded.)

Angelina: “I feel like this job (working at a Jersey Shore tshirt store) is beneath me…I’m a bartender, I do great things”

Snooki: “I love the Jersey Shore, I love being a guidette but no one can like understand how I’m feeling right now and I can’t handle it to be honest”

The Situation: “Everybody loves me you know, babies, dogs, hot girls…cougars”

Vinny: “I wake up this morning and I notice that my eye is a little bit puffy…holy sh*t I got pink eye”

The Situation: “Me and Sam (Sammi Sweetheart) were vibin’…it’s not a matter of if she wants to hook up with me it’s a matter of when I decide”

DJ Pauly D: “You can’t fight in a club, you shouldn’t fight anyone but don’t let the spiked hair fool you…like I’m not a b*tch”

The Situation: “As far as I know everybody loves the Situation..and if you don’t love the Situation, I’m gonna make you love the Situation”

Heated drunken exchange between The Situation and Angelina:
Angelina: “Every f*ckin girl you bring home is a zero”
The Situation: “Yea, yea…so I guess you’re a f*ckin’ negative 3”
Angelina: “Ha Ha…look at me, I’m all f*ckin’ all natural and I’m hot”
The Situation: “Lose f*ckin’ 5 or 10 pounds and we can talk, okay?”
Angelina: “Yo…I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping”

That exchange seems like a good jumping off point.  The previews of the upcoming season included a quick shot of Snooki getting punched square in the face by a dude.  Seriously…check it out.  The Jersey Shore has no ceiling as to where it can go; consider it the Lebron James of reality shows.  All I know is I will be there to enjoy the ride.  Hopefully these quotes have encouraged you to buy tickets for the bandwagon.  For the first time in the history of a television show I can honestly say nothing that may transpire over this season will surprise me.  We could very well have all 8 of these people sleeping with each other by season’s end–perhaps a capital crime will be committed or several misdemeanors will go down or maybe these 8 idiots will just show America the true joy they get from spending the summer at the Jersey Shore.  The fun continues this Thursday night.

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One Response to Good Times at the ‘Jersey Shore’

  1. […] a few times here, starting with the now infamous premiere where America was treated to a hilarious 2 hours of quotes and madness.  Then back in December we heard from the Situation as his star was rising. Then the magnificent […]

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